Jealousy is eating me up. Worse, its leading me to hatred. A negative feeling towards my parents and dislike for my brother and his wife. I know I shouldnt be feeling this way. I have avoided this since last year but I still see how unfair my parents could be. I terribly loathe it.

     Its just totally unfair how they have treated me and my son and how they are treating the new baby. They abandoned me after I gave birth. Their daughter gave C-section but my mom hurried home because of her career. My dad because it was fiesta and he had a drinking appointment. My brother didnt even bother text me to say “HEY NANGANAK KA NA PALA!” This time, they are going gaga because my sister-in-law gave birth.

     I had nobody then. I was all alone with my snoring live-in partner while I prepare my son’s milk with a tummy freshly stitiched. While I was in the dark leaving everything to instict hoping my mom would realize I needed her.They were busy. I had to force myself to get well because my son depended on my strength, my love and care. Sleep was difficult to get during those times. I couldnt even have a decent hour of sleep. There were times I was having fever… but I couldnt call any one. There were meetings to be attended by mom. School activities organized by my dad… and me feeling worth a lot less than their career.

   Both Richelle and Robert made me feel so bad a few weeks before I gave birth. Ironically, I came a few hours after my nephew was delivered. Cleaned him, cuddled him and sincerely loved him in an instant. The two never said, “sorry nga pala Ate!” All I heard was, “pupunta ka ba dito?”" “ano pa bang kelangan?” “dito ka ba matutulog?”

     My hateful dad even uttered ” nde ako nag-alaga non kay Gab kasi mawawalan ng trabaho ang yaya.” That’s plain bullshit! He didnt take care of my son because he didnt want to feel responsible. He was never one. Not even to his own kids. But he could cook dinner for visitors because there is a new baby.

     I stood on my own. With Joseph on my side, we made things possible. We had a roof on our heads, decent meals, was able to give Gab what he needed, live better than how me and my siblings did. We gave our best shot to have a good life if not a very luxurious one. In return, we were never fully accepted, just because I was not married.

     I am thankful Karen was there from time to time…. I didnt even have to explain why I needed her. Her presence was a delight. I had a family in her alone. But ,I do know, when the time comes when she will have her own child,I will feel jealous again. Because I will be there. Everyone will be there… while I had nobody.

       I hate myself for feeling like this because I know this is bad. I had God on my side during those trying times. Gab never got seriously ill which was all I prayed for. And I continuosly pray that they see how I have been there for them in my own little way.. that they will actually learn how important it is “to be there” despite the hurt.  My hopes are high for my siblings. Karen has learned a lot of lessons in life and is continuosly realizing some more. I know Robert , too, will see things differently as he, himself,is now a parent like me .

      Yet, I pray that my parents will realize their absence in my heart and in my life. Not because I chose them to be out of it but because they have left me even before I could flap my wings. That although I may be their eldest child, I was also young, was a child and needed them because they were suppose to teach me how things are… that there were times I felt weak… that there were moments I lost hope… that there were moments I felt lost without them. And that a lot have changed because I needed to survive.

I know I will get over this. I am fighting jealousy off because I love both my siblings  .While, I learn to forgive my parents… while I learn to heal the wound that experience had marred in my heart… while I let God lead me to a better me and follow the path He chooses me to walk on. Certainly, it will not take very long because I love my son… and now, I love my nephew, too.

Love is the cheesiest topic to ever blog about.  ( I know.. don’t raise your brows yet… I’ll get to the reason why I am still writing about it!)

So many people - of any gender - have already been victimized, enslaved, battered, wrecked by this “love thing”. Yet, we still fall.  Sometimes I wonder, why do have to fall in love to get hurt?  Why don’t we just be like someone I know who’d just hit on some girl and try to find another… just like that. No strings attached. No I love you’s. No hurting. .. and he gets away with it. Although the girls probably still loathe him… he stays strong. Alone maybe… but not shattered.

There’s Lenneth who stole and married her friend’s boyfriend for the sake of having a good life.  I’m sure she’s not happy but at least her heart cannot be broken as she’s thrown it all away with her dignity.

There are some married couple who stay united and raise their family together, yet, one is obviously the martyr who tries her very best to keep her strand of patience as loooong as she can stretch because the society dictates that she stay with the pig that she married.

And there are others…. who just don’t have the luck to find that other one.

Sad to say, one of my dearest friends found herself belonging to my former group — the brokenhearted! She is still aching, still hating… and still in that boat of confusion, that, no matter how she puts it, still boils down to the fact that she is no longer with someone she loves.

I really wish I could do something to ease her pain. But yes, there is none I could do as it comes with the curse that if you enjoyed falling in love… you, yourself will have to go through the pain of breaking that love. And how it feels so unfair that we have to experience such. Why can’t we just move on? Snap our fingers and find someone else who will paint our faces with a smile again.

Love. So strange. If you get to read this blog and think you can relate, please do yourself a favor…. be brave and open to possibilities as nothing in this world is certain other than the love a mom can give to her child… and the love that only God can ever bestow. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself either crying…. or writing.

P.S.

I am not with someone but I am in love.  It’s still an experiment but one that I am willing to gamble with my heart all in.

Title says it all…. just up to them where to categorize their names. As for me, I only have few I consider genuine…

• two have gone to heaven
• two in the land of milk and honey
• one is a sister
• one is currently marking the South as a new territory
• one is happily in love and married with perfectly cute kids
• one that’s easily forgotten but will appear out of nowhere when you need him and even if you don’t
• one making a name of her own from dust to podium
• one that has risen from the mud puddles and has built a castle of her own
• one has been named ‘IN CASE OF EMERGENCY” and does not want to be called for that purpose again
• one that I just know I can depend on, crack a joke with, mock and be totally confident that he wont get hurt because he will sure poke my eyes when given the right opportunity and ask sensible answers to important questions with my fingers crossed
• one that has given me an angel
• one that has given me too much headache, time, care and love

I pride myself with these people who stuck with me through thick and thin, who gave way to me not because i bullied them but because they trusted me that I mean well, who cried with me because they know I need someone to support me and not yap when I feel so down, who were “PRESENT” in their own special way because they know distance is never a reason but an alibi, who accepted me the way I accepted who they were, who saw more than meets the eye… and who will always be part of my life until the very end.

So who needs someone who can’t equal these people? Not me.

I know… its still wayyyyy early. I kinda like it when I am not the only one excited about the idea of meeting once again. It already feels Chrismassy that more people are actually looking forward to very happy times with each other’s company. My creative juice starts to flow right off my mind, wanting to be drawn onto my organizer. But not just yet…. I am going to wait ’til I see every sign I need to see in order for me to avoid as much hassles that might come along the way.

Now my head is swarmed with a lot of things… Gabby’s school ( Oh yes, my little darling is now going to his own school! ), the apartment I am eyeing, the prospective business and clients, work , my plants ( I so love them already!) , friends whom I are beginning to see again and a promising future.  These are the things which makes me stay focus on thinking positive rather than dwell on the rotten facts of my life.

Six more months…. but I guess I should be thanking God for the early presents I am already receiving. The thrill is just too hard to ignore. 

everything is possible!

Of course, when I said it was successful, I claimed it partly because that gathering was my brainchild. Truthfully, although I have legged half the work and planning of that event, I would not consider it as well-thought and as organized as I would have had it, if I’ll have it my way.  Both my common sense and my snubbish side are screaming the word ‘UNFAIR’ to even give it “my shot”. 

Simply put, “if others are getting away from it, what the hell will I run after it?’.

Ahhh, but I happen to be born with the stupidity called “kindness”… leadership because noone else will, sealed lips because it was not worth taming the wild, blind eyes because there was no use seeing the ugly over the beauty of those who have sprung from out of nowhere, voice of authority when the situation calls for it because things need to be in order from time to time and very poor hearing so I will not be able tio listen to the unwise remarks by people who does not even know what they are talking about, moreover, does not even know whether they have the right to say anything at all.

That being said, surely will let you know why I would rather watch the grass grow than head another event for unruly herd. Nope, I am not insane yet.

( Joneil, tampo ako sayo non, hirap na hirap ako sa Math, pinakopya mo yung iba ng exact answers, ako binigyan mo ng formula! )

Sagot: ” Ha?! Di ko na tanda ‘yon! Eh kayang kaya mo naman yon, bakit ko pa ibibigay ang sagot.  Alam ko namang matalino ka.” - Joneil

( Maraming salamat at naging kapamilya kita! )

(on stay-at-home moms)

” So what kung nasa bahay lang ako? Masaya naman ako! Nde ko kelangan magpakahirap gaya ng ibang tao.” - AJ ng Batangas

(on friendship)

” Di mo naman kelangan mag-explain sa mga tao. Ang importante wala kang dinadagasan. Andito lang ako mare kung kelangan mo ng makakausap.” - AJ ng Batangas

( san ka pa?!)

( May kaibigan pa ba akong natitira? Para kasing solo na ako sa mundo?)

” Ay! Di ba counted ang greet ko? Happy Mother’s day sis! Sana talagang ok ka na.”- Mama Bear

(S’yanga naman! Thanks for reminding me, I am surrounded by wonderful people like you.)

“Ang buhay ay pasarapan hindi pahabaan.” - Daimos

“Kapag puro problema lang iniisip mo, isang parte lang ng utak mo ang gumagana.” - astig na Daimos

( Hayaan mo… i will keep it in mind, Maraming salamat sa lahat ng motivation.)

“But I guess I now realized how strong I am because it has been the only choice I had.”- Dark Horse ng batch namin

( You become what you wanna be if you work on it. You are the perfect example of that.)

As if its not already bad as it is now, I had a terrible dream about someone who has been occupying my mind a lot lately. In my dream, he sent me a note telling me that he might have led me to conclude that he likes me. He was apologetic to the fact that I have shown my interest thinking that it has been reciprocated all these times. The hand-written letter spoke of too much hurtful things, most of which was the fact that no one else was to be blamed other than me. I know. It’s just a dream… and dreams are by-product of our thoughts, unspoken, unconscious, subconscious, whatever! Nonetheless, it has affected me so much.

To make it worse, he also bid goodbye to me in the letter. ..telling me that he was already leaving for another country and will be there for what sounded to be eternity. Total madness! As if not being liked ain’t cruelty yet, now ,I will be completely dumped in my dream. Heavens forbid!This is what I call torture without a chance to defend myself because nightmares simplyy wont let you. Before I even got to the last part of the letter, a crocodile appeared out of nowhere. It was probably about 4 feet long and ready to jump my bones any time I blink my eye. He was already sniffing my flesh and I was sending signal to my housemates to run for their lives while I think of a way to deceive the reptile.

I guess I am not afraid of monstrous creatures…. but I am more afraid of the monster lurking within me. This monster had been not been very good in protecting me, in building walls against people who will hurt me whether intentionally or not. My own monster had pulled me down and failed me again. Oh, too much headache… I can’t bear it no more!

it took me half a day before finally deciding to take this medicine

I learned that some of my friends lost their job. This is not very unusual but a very sad news. I consider myself lucky that I get to stay home and still go to work despite the many hassles that surround me. I even thank God for not putting me into a kind of job that requires making sure that the Pepsi bottle forms to the right shape. Not only is it something that I do not see myself ever doing, it is a no-brainer job that I will never attempt to apply for if it would be the last job on Earth.

To prepare for the worse or the best to come, for whatever the future holds for me, I have started my plan of making my own business. Three weeks ago, I intended to run it on time but the bank just suck big time. They kept me waiting for my Paypal account code which up to now is in the middle of nowhere and God knows when will I get it. If I were to rely on luck, I’d probably just end up with squat. So today, as I write this blog, I have the list of to-dos on the other side of my brain. Hence, both of it running for the better of me. That alone makes me happy. It tells me that I am alive despite getting stuck on this cushioned chair dedicated to make half of my day comfy.

Anyway, I had a chit chat with Michelle yesterday coz I was on a really good mood. Michelle and I had a strained relationship due to the fact that I do not like Joyce and hate her second to the evil that is Lenneth. ( I know you are reading this my special friend. You are now famous. I mentioned you again. ) Michelle, according to Gresh,  is doing a good job running their business that enables her to go places and I admire her so much for it. Again, another job that does not require staring on bottle formation. With the help of my trusted friends , I know that mine will do just as great. I dont plan to go big time in a snap as I am afraid to lose more for something I have worked for with sweat and blood. For now, I am happy to save money and have a meaningful life at the same time while I am guided by these two meaningful proverbs.

“If you lost all your friends, and all else just seem to be fucked up, there is more reason to rebuild a new life because you have just emptied a space for a better you”. - true blood

“If you know better, you do better.” - Lenneth,  Pepsi worker

Cheers for the motivation. Thank you for all the help. You know who you are.

A friend of mine told me today how one’s life is so precious, it will be such a waste to spend it just sitting down and watching tv. It immediately sent me to tears remembering the number of times I had to warn Jaggy of not going out too much even if it would mean she had to cut down on gimmicks with friends who are not really worth keeping. I was  very afraid that it will someday take a toll on her and I prayed it wouldn’t.

A few months before she died, she finally listened … but that was when was taken from me. And I wondered if my prayers fell short of reinforcement because I loved her dearly but she was just taken too early in life. Now I feel almost similarly as to that time before she got killed and I am trying my best not to be paranoid about it. I just cannot bear the thought of losing people who are dear to me.

Being in a very complicated set-up with a baby to take care and look after made me think how life can be so hateful at times. Even if I want to listen to such advice, it just does not sound possible in my case nor does it even sound the right thing to do if I were to live my life alone. At least not right now. How can one enjoy a life when somebody depends on it and others feel I will dedicate mine to make theirs worth living to the end?

I am imprisoned…. there is no doubt about it. Imprisoned by Joseph, by someone else and all the effing people who think they deserve to be treated like royalty. I wont. I will live my life the way I want it someday… when I am stable enough to carry more loads than my own baggage, when I can feed more than what my body requires me and  when I can finally say ” hey stupid, you are not my effing son so go f*ck yourself!” ( I already said that once “for Joyce C.” through a text sent to Darlene and I will not be afraid to say it again to morons like her.)

I know, these words are trashy but I dont wanna hold my mouth for whatever any person want to think or say. I am tired of pleasing people. Hateful of letting them have their way… I hate them.. and the only few people I love more than my son are no longer with me so there is no point of of standing up to live life yet…. but I will. I surely will.

The weeks that passed have been overly strange and annoying.

When Jaggy passed away, there was only one person from her “other” circle of friends” that I talk to…. it was Gresh. I have come to like her since she came over with Jaggy on Gabby’s second birthday. I have a very high opinion of her and I always see her in my visions of tomorrow. Myabe because I know how clearly she thinks and how smart a person she is. She is strong and admirable. Then came Darlene who I am very fond of. It’s like taking care of Jaggy’s younger sister. She immediately added to my future plans. An oath I that I seem to take every once in a while.

Through those times I was in mourning, people pop in and out of my accounts to introduce themselves and to let me know they are friends of Jaggy. After a while, they think I can be friends with them, too.

Its really weird when people assume that. My huuugggeee love for Jaggy, is never the same for any of her friends. Not even Gresh. Because love takes time to grow. This is what Jaggy and I learned … and this is what kept our friendship burning until now. I just know that Gresh and Darlene will always be a part of my life regardless of the :”strange situation we sometimes go through”. This will go through the test of time and will be made solid.

Yet, an assumption that I can be friends with everybody elese in ther account is WRONG! Sorry.