Monday, 3Am, September 1, 2008 —I was awakened after a very disturbing dream. I pulled up my covers and tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I saw you. I was able to talk to you.. and you talked to me, too.

For so many days, I wished that you’d talk to me. I wished you’d tell me what I need ‘to do for you. I prayed you’d tell me you are okay wherever you are. You didn’t.  I kept on reminiscing the bittersweet memories we’ve shared… but they’re accompanied with sharp knives cutting deeper into my heart.

Do you know how much I miss you?
Do you know I have held on to your promise that we are going to grow old together?

I know.. it is not your fault. I know, you never wished to go. But I wish you were a lot more careful. I wish you listened. I wish you were still alive. I would trade the very day I met you if it would mean that you would still be here on earth.

And you came. I saw you in my dream. I knew you were dead. I knew it was your soul who visited me that night. I knew because I felt your love and concern.

… it was you!

You were wearing a white and black dress
and was standing right beside me while I was holding Gabby in my arms.
You gave me a sad, worried look..
and you wanted to ask me how I was holding up.
I didn’t answer.
There was a long pause.
Neither one of us wanted to say anything.
Perhaps we both knew we could not do anything anymore.
You’re gone.
After a short while, you told me you were worried about me. 
I gathered all my strength to ask you if that was the reason of your visit.
You were silent again. You gave me a look of confirmation.
So I went on.
"Is that the reason why you are here? You can go now, Jaggy."
I gazed into your eyes and I saw the pain in your heart…
the same pain I have in mine.
"It is normal for me to cry. Let me cry because you are gone. I will be alright."
At this time I faced you… because you didn’t want to say anything.. and at this time, I wanted you to listen.
"Let us grieve. We will be okay. Do not worry about us. We will be fine."
And I turned back on you. Tears ran on my cheeks while I held myself together.
It was as if I have an eye on my back that I saw your face, still saddened about how your loved ones are mourning over your death.
I knew you wanted me to be strong. And I have a feeling, you want me to be strong for them, too.
With one last look at you, I woke up.

It was a short dream. Just like the years we’ve spent as very good friends. I guess, I can only have you for a short time.

I miss you Jaggy. I wish I was able to tell you that in my dream. I wish I was able to say how much I really love you. But I can only ask you to let me grieve. Let me cry. Let me mourn over your fate. Let me love you through this pain that I am trying not to let go… because this is how I am keeping you alive in my very soul. I cannot let go of you… not yet. I am sorry.

They say time heals all wounds. They’re wrong and I’d bet myfinger on it. Time can never heal the hurt… it will just make me numb of pain.