A friend of mine told me today how one’s life is so precious, it will be such a waste to spend it just sitting down and watching tv. It immediately sent me to tears remembering the number of times I had to warn Jaggy of not going out too much even if it would mean she had to cut down on gimmicks with friends who are not really worth keeping. I was  very afraid that it will someday take a toll on her and I prayed it wouldn’t.

A few months before she died, she finally listened … but that was when was taken from me. And I wondered if my prayers fell short of reinforcement because I loved her dearly but she was just taken too early in life. Now I feel almost similarly as to that time before she got killed and I am trying my best not to be paranoid about it. I just cannot bear the thought of losing people who are dear to me.

Being in a very complicated set-up with a baby to take care and look after made me think how life can be so hateful at times. Even if I want to listen to such advice, it just does not sound possible in my case nor does it even sound the right thing to do if I were to live my life alone. At least not right now. How can one enjoy a life when somebody depends on it and others feel I will dedicate mine to make theirs worth living to the end?

I am imprisoned…. there is no doubt about it. Imprisoned by Joseph, by someone else and all the effing people who think they deserve to be treated like royalty. I wont. I will live my life the way I want it someday… when I am stable enough to carry more loads than my own baggage, when I can feed more than what my body requires me and  when I can finally say ” hey stupid, you are not my effing son so go f*ck yourself!” ( I already said that once “for Joyce C.” through a text sent to Darlene and I will not be afraid to say it again to morons like her.)

I know, these words are trashy but I dont wanna hold my mouth for whatever any person want to think or say. I am tired of pleasing people. Hateful of letting them have their way… I hate them.. and the only few people I love more than my son are no longer with me so there is no point of of standing up to live life yet…. but I will. I surely will.