Jealousy is eating me up. Worse, its leading me to hatred. A negative feeling towards my parents and dislike for my brother and his wife. I know I shouldnt be feeling this way. I have avoided this since last year but I still see how unfair my parents could be. I terribly loathe it.

     Its just totally unfair how they have treated me and my son and how they are treating the new baby. They abandoned me after I gave birth. Their daughter gave C-section but my mom hurried home because of her career. My dad because it was fiesta and he had a drinking appointment. My brother didnt even bother text me to say “HEY NANGANAK KA NA PALA!” This time, they are going gaga because my sister-in-law gave birth.

     I had nobody then. I was all alone with my snoring live-in partner while I prepare my son’s milk with a tummy freshly stitiched. While I was in the dark leaving everything to instict hoping my mom would realize I needed her.They were busy. I had to force myself to get well because my son depended on my strength, my love and care. Sleep was difficult to get during those times. I couldnt even have a decent hour of sleep. There were times I was having fever… but I couldnt call any one. There were meetings to be attended by mom. School activities organized by my dad… and me feeling worth a lot less than their career.

   Both Richelle and Robert made me feel so bad a few weeks before I gave birth. Ironically, I came a few hours after my nephew was delivered. Cleaned him, cuddled him and sincerely loved him in an instant. The two never said, “sorry nga pala Ate!” All I heard was, “pupunta ka ba dito?”" “ano pa bang kelangan?” “dito ka ba matutulog?”

     My hateful dad even uttered ” nde ako nag-alaga non kay Gab kasi mawawalan ng trabaho ang yaya.” That’s plain bullshit! He didnt take care of my son because he didnt want to feel responsible. He was never one. Not even to his own kids. But he could cook dinner for visitors because there is a new baby.

     I stood on my own. With Joseph on my side, we made things possible. We had a roof on our heads, decent meals, was able to give Gab what he needed, live better than how me and my siblings did. We gave our best shot to have a good life if not a very luxurious one. In return, we were never fully accepted, just because I was not married.

     I am thankful Karen was there from time to time…. I didnt even have to explain why I needed her. Her presence was a delight. I had a family in her alone. But ,I do know, when the time comes when she will have her own child,I will feel jealous again. Because I will be there. Everyone will be there… while I had nobody.

       I hate myself for feeling like this because I know this is bad. I had God on my side during those trying times. Gab never got seriously ill which was all I prayed for. And I continuosly pray that they see how I have been there for them in my own little way.. that they will actually learn how important it is “to be there” despite the hurt.  My hopes are high for my siblings. Karen has learned a lot of lessons in life and is continuosly realizing some more. I know Robert , too, will see things differently as he, himself,is now a parent like me .

      Yet, I pray that my parents will realize their absence in my heart and in my life. Not because I chose them to be out of it but because they have left me even before I could flap my wings. That although I may be their eldest child, I was also young, was a child and needed them because they were suppose to teach me how things are… that there were times I felt weak… that there were moments I lost hope… that there were moments I felt lost without them. And that a lot have changed because I needed to survive.

I know I will get over this. I am fighting jealousy off because I love both my siblings  .While, I learn to forgive my parents… while I learn to heal the wound that experience had marred in my heart… while I let God lead me to a better me and follow the path He chooses me to walk on. Certainly, it will not take very long because I love my son… and now, I love my nephew, too.