August, September and October has swiftly passed by. I am not sure whether it was too much of the stirred drama or the the act of pretending that made it seem like only a few steps taken until this day but I am glad to be able to go through hell and all still in one piece. It is such a huge loss that Jaggy has been gone for quite sometime. I still bleed everyday with the thought that she is no longer coming back but hopeful that we will meet again and share the same laughter when my own mission in life has been completed.  My thoughts and emotions are still scattered at the moment like giant tides pushing it back and forth along the shore.  I don’t mind riding along at all. It keeps me afloat the pain and suffering that most of Jaggy’s friends experience as well.

From time to time, I think about the coming season… I fear that it might not be as delightful as I wished it would be. Just like Joyce, Chen and Darlene, I am not as strong as most people are… or as most people thought I am. I know, I have already mourned a lot. Sometimes, others think it is more than enough weeping that I have gone through. But should I measure the number of times my heart cried out for her?

I just miss her so much, God knows when I will stop hurting deep within.  And just when I let the tides put me into a lullaby, Christmas is coming near.. and so is New year… and our birthdays — how I wish she is still here.